Last night my grandmother passed away, we had been expecting this for a week. She was my last grandparent, and I haven't seen her since I moved to Georgia. She didn't want to have a funeral, so there is no service.
My grandma had a big presence whenever she was around, she was very observant and sharp. She could also get under your skin, she had an endless need to talk and describe things at detail when she told stories, but she also had a tendency to argue. If she believed something was true, you couldn't shake her from that position.
When I think about all my other grandparents, I was most close with her. I realized several years ago after my grandfather died that she wasn't likely going to live 10 more years so I reached out and made an effort to keep in touch with her. This was also a difficult time because my parents weren't talking to my grandmother over something she said after my grandfather (her ex husband) passed away. It's true my grandmother could be a difficult person to understand, and sometimes she couldn't be tolerated, but I will still miss her.
The point of my post is a deeper thought. I've thought about this before but after a while I tend to forget. What we seem to fear most is death, but if you spend enough time thinking about it death is only a release. No, I don't want to die, that isn't natural. But I don't think it is death we fear, instead what we are afraid of is life itself. After all, it is in life that we dread death, perhaps we imagine death will be a continuous dreadful existence that lasts eternity?
It's in life that we have feelings, experience pain, and grow attached to what's familiar. In life we have things to protect, including other life, and we have a tiring need to stay alive as long as we can. If you think about it too long and add it all up it doesn't seem to have any point, no payoff, only one day we will die. And we don't know when we will die! How horrible is that?
I'm not trying to bum you out, only reflecting some common feelings towards life and death. My point is that once you understand that life is the big scary thing, death is more acceptable, but not welcome. I think the point is to relax and release your fear of dying and focus on living without fear. The good news is that you don't have to live in fear, these thoughts tend to take center when we focus on the unknown, but if you concentrate on what you do know and what you can do, the fear melts away. We don't have the option to live forever, at least not without dying first (and having faith), but we do have some choices in how we live. That's the big scary life option, live in fear or have fun and be happy!
The moral flexibility of a 20-something
13 years ago
1 comment:
I'm really sorry you lost her.
That's even trickier with a parental fall out with her. I hope that was resolved prior, and I'm glad you kept in touch with her.
Sometimes we assume we have a long time with someone, and then don't. And even if we do, it's never long enough.
If you look at it a certain way, it's like, WTF.. what's the point in life? Some guy on Youtube, pinkcrusader, made an awesome video on the meaning in life. To enjoy the times, the people, the places, the hobbies, whatever. I like to think that making a difference, even just in your own family's life, and some sort of faith or higher power is part of it. Whichever faith someone has, it sure does give them a lot of hope.
I always wonder how older people feel. I mean, if someone's 90 years old, they've got to realize that their time is limited. Then again, somehow older people are wiser. One of my grandma's had heart problems a few times, but the last time things went downhill unexpectedly quick. I thought she would make it, but she said she had had a full life, no regrets, and was with all her kids/grandkids in her final days. She knew it was time, and was ok with it.
It still blows when the 'pillars of our childhood' die. Whether it's our last/nearly last grandparent, or our childhood friend's parents. A girl I knew growing up's father was only 60 something and died this year. I had no idea until she posted a tribute to him a few months later. Last year, one of my childhood friends died at 20. She had been sick for a year or more, but I still thought she'd be ok. I don't think we can ever understand why someone dies or doesn't, but I like to think that there's meaning in it and life. But, loss blows. Sorry you had to lose her. Even if someone is old/older, we can't help but miss them.
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