Fear of Dying

Last night my grandmother passed away, we had been expecting this for a week. She was my last grandparent, and I haven't seen her since I moved to Georgia. She didn't want to have a funeral, so there is no service.

My grandma had a big presence whenever she was around, she was very observant and sharp. She could also get under your skin, she had an endless need to talk and describe things at detail when she told stories, but she also had a tendency to argue. If she believed something was true, you couldn't shake her from that position.

When I think about all my other grandparents, I was most close with her. I realized several years ago after my grandfather died that she wasn't likely going to live 10 more years so I reached out and made an effort to keep in touch with her. This was also a difficult time because my parents weren't talking to my grandmother over something she said after my grandfather (her ex husband) passed away. It's true my grandmother could be a difficult person to understand, and sometimes she couldn't be tolerated, but I will still miss her.

The point of my post is a deeper thought. I've thought about this before but after a while I tend to forget. What we seem to fear most is death, but if you spend enough time thinking about it death is only a release. No, I don't want to die, that isn't natural. But I don't think it is death we fear, instead what we are afraid of is life itself. After all, it is in life that we dread death, perhaps we imagine death will be a continuous dreadful existence that lasts eternity?

It's in life that we have feelings, experience pain, and grow attached to what's familiar. In life we have things to protect, including other life, and we have a tiring need to stay alive as long as we can. If you think about it too long and add it all up it doesn't seem to have any point, no payoff, only one day we will die. And we don't know when we will die! How horrible is that?

I'm not trying to bum you out, only reflecting some common feelings towards life and death. My point is that once you understand that life is the big scary thing, death is more acceptable, but not welcome. I think the point is to relax and release your fear of dying and focus on living without fear. The good news is that you don't have to live in fear, these thoughts tend to take center when we focus on the unknown, but if you concentrate on what you do know and what you can do, the fear melts away. We don't have the option to live forever, at least not without dying first (and having faith), but we do have some choices in how we live. That's the big scary life option, live in fear or have fun and be happy!

I Don't Like This Cheese

Is there ever a good time to discover you don't like gouda cheese? I fixed some pre-made gnocchi tonight that came with a cheddar and gouda sauce mix. Yuck, I couldn't even finish it. That cheese smells like feet!

I should've been more careful. I recall from watching old cartoons that limburger cheese was the most lethal stinky cheese, and I'm sure gouda wasn't far behind.

Winning versus Losing

A few weeks ago I had a frustrating experience during my Sim Race on XBox Live. Last week I had a complete opposite experience and after thinking about the two I realized something. First, here's the exciting details about my fake racing...well, it's simulated but I take it so seriously.

Two weeks ago I had a decent race going. I ran third all night, and I wasn't expecting to finish any worse or any better. It was on the very last lap of a clean race that I turned into a corner just at the wrong time so my car hit a vicious bump that turned me up on two wheels before sending me tires over roof rolling to a deadly stop. Imagine a really bouncy rubber ball just hitting the edge of a curb and launching at top speed away from you, it's not coming back. This destroyed my car and I could barely limp around the track to finish in dead last.

I was so mad, I wanted to scream but my neighbors might have called the cops. I had laundry going at the other end of my apartment complex so I took a walk to cool off. I had many feelings, I was embarrassed but I was also mad at myself for losing focus. I also struggled to understand why I give such a trivial game so much of my time and energy. Still, I couldn't shake the awful feeling of shame and frustration for several days.

I had two options for the next race: I could spend the week angry with myself or I could focus harder. My best track was coming up next, so I chose to focus more. I practiced a lot all week, so once again I was invested in the race results. If I crashed again it would be so ridiculous I might never race again. There was a lot of pressure I put on myself, but in the end it proved beneficial.

Not only did I win the pole (I started first place), but I took a commanding lead the entire race, so I only had to drive as fast as I wanted to. The main competitor in my series is very good and has won every other race this season, except two. That night, I beat him soundly. He made two mistakes that cost him the race, and I had a flawless race.

I was happy and my team owner was pleased, but it also felt inconsequential. I wanted to brag and boast, but who cares what happens in some video game match besides the people involved? Sure I still think it was an accomplishment, with all the thoughts and feelings from the previous race weighing in, but in the end I think I spent more time in the place of frustration and dissappointment versus my successful follow up. I just didn't have a similar reaction.

This could apply to non-simulated situations as well. Think about a hefty bill and how that feels, versus an awesome discount or a rebate. Maybe I feel entitled, so my reaction to a freebie is more like "It's about time I got my break!" when maybe there are breaks every day. Perhaps the amount of time spent brooding over a have not or a failure overshadows the true wealth we normally have.

Ultimately my victory last week squashes the tumble I took before it, so perhaps next time something goes horribly wrong I won't feel so bad if there is still the possibility for sweet retribution. When that isn't a possibility, I better tread carefully!

A Singularity

I am convinced life can be defined by a singularity
Only forwards
Never backwards
And gravity is not a force of attraction
But the only resistance to a cold lethal nothing

Huddled around a small ball of heat
Steadily resisting the pull of nothing
Falling inwards keeps us warm
Always afraid of going outwards
To the space in-between the planets reach out to save us

Our science warns us that gravity is weak
So you can never take it back
You can never have it back
History belongs to the vaccuum

A weakly burning slowly aging life is still short
Immense stars that outnumber our dreams burn brightest intent on their own destruction
Yet in gravity they hold fast
Outliving the generations
A beam of light from what is no longer there
To mark the age of the only original survivors

Weakly pulling a tug from something somewhere unseen keeps calling me
Under duress I dare and escape
From a futile existence
There is no escape

Once I was so small
Yet I attracted the most attention
What force do I now possess
To repel life from a singularity?

Midnight June's Roommate Checklist

If you get a profile of a roommate that looks something like this, you'll be more likely to choose someone who isn't going to ruin your life or just bum you out. This comes from what I've read on your blog so I have an idea of the type of person you won't like having around.


"I'm a young college student who needs a warm place to crash. My favorite activities are talking loudly on the phone at all hours of the night, grooming my pets in doors and dancing randomly to rave music at 3 AM. I like to cook but I don't like doing the dishes, even if there is a dishwasher.

I have a sizable cardboard box collection and a few of them are flattened for storage, but I do require one extra closet space or at least a corner of the living room to store them in. I also own 3 ferrets that need plenty of exercise, a loud and unfriendly parrot that likes to try and bite people, and a very old pug that snorts all day and has issues with its bowels.

I'm a very friendly and welcoming person. I don't like to judge people for their decisions and lifestyle. Therefore, I tend to invite strangers over to spend the night. I'm looking for a home with a large couch or futon so my new friends will have a place to crash at night. I suffer from sleep apnea so I snore loudly, and I need room to stretch when I sleep so I don't ever share my bed. I'm hoping to move into a home that is open to all kinds of people, and that doesn't have a strict policy about having permission to keep company over at any time.

I get along with most people, but I can't stand it when a person talks down to me just because they make more money than me or pay more for rent. I don't like people who try to parent me and require me to do chores, I'm a mature adult who can take care of things when I decide to. I don't like when people dictate what I talk about. I'm not a puppet, I like to speak what's on my mind. It's important that when somebody has a problem with me that they tell me to my face.

I have my own car, but it has a very new look to it so I prefer to park it in a covered area especially when it gets windy outside. I don't like to live with people who are so stiff and predictable that they get upset if I decide to rearrange their things, especially if those things aren't used. Carpe diem, I like to live life by the moment! I hope my roommates won't be so uptight if their things get wet, because I think random water balloon parties are the most fun. It reminds me of being a child, I like most things that remind me of being a child. I miss being a child. I think most people are unhappy because they have too many responsibilities, and they would be better off without them.

So I'll be graduating in 6 to 7 years so I hope my roommates and I will be best friends until then."


So yeah, don't pick that person next time and you may find a responsible adult instead who goes to bed at a reasonable hour, who doesn't leave random people on the couch without warning (or just doesn't have people come over, didn't the spend the night thing end when we were 10?) and who won't touch your shit. Sadly, I was thinking of a few real people I've known who remind me of this person describing "themselves". I think you'll find a much better match next time, and soon this mess will be a memory.

The Death of Osama bin Laden

Some thoughts about this, but also concerning the celebration of the assassination of bin Laden. I just finished talking with my father tonight, and he mentioned how angry it makes him to see people celebrating, not because it's wrong to celebrate the elimination of such an evil man, but because we shouldn't be celebrating until all the troops come home from the various conflicts right now. I agree, even though this makes me feel somber. Perhaps some of us have projected our feelings away from the thought of seeing the war ending onto the actual demise of the terrorist icon bin Laden?

To put into scale our need to celebrate, I ask what has bin Laden contributed really since the attacks of 9-11? His role in those events forced him into a fatal if not permanent life of secrecy, hidden for all these years but not forgotten. Do we believe the war is over now with his death?

Yes it once seemed likely to the unsuspecting world that bin Laden was already dead, which is something to be desired by one who does not want to die at the hands of the enemy! I for one am grateful that a few skeptical leaders did not order an end to the hunt.

This isn't like the Second World War and as we've seen recently simply removing a figure and eliminating their regime from a country doesn't bring an end to a conflict. Never the less, we can feel righteous relief when men like Saddam Hussein, Hitler, and bin Laden cease to exist. However, the circumstances under which these cancers of humankind are removed have proven that it can be difficult to justify the measures taken to the nations, both abroad and at home. The argument often begins with "Well, it was good that Hussein got removed from power, but...".

This leads me to the difficulty I have accepting the beliefs of current conspiracy theorists. While there is much to be gained politically by the elimination of bin Laden for our President's administration, and people may forget or become confused by the difference between events that correlate to each other and simple coincidence, the timeliness of bin Laden's death and Obama's position in the polls is just a coincidence. To say Obama held onto this idea to play as a trump card is to dismiss the efforts of the people who have been slowly and carefully tracing the location where bin Laden was hiding. It would also be a dismissal of the capabilities of the Navy SEALS reported to have completed the mission, as if they are nothing more than a figment of the President's imagination who are conveniently summoned to be protagonists in a story that heightens the President's stature.

What isn't a conspiracy, but a logical political procedure, is that Obama's administration will seize upon this single event to regain political traction and they will likely continue to hype their role in the capture and killing of bin Laden for as long as they can. Although modest and more exceptional, it would be folly to do otherwise because the popularity of a politician pivots around their response to events beyond their control. In this case, Obama's decision to approve the raid on a possible bin Laden hideout was a gambit that paid dividends, while it was the hard work of other teams and individuals who provided the location and executed the mission. Obama did not locate and kill bin Laden himself, but in the coming months we may be encouraged to perceive it this way, especially if we are reminded more of the "tough decision" to execute the raid versus the silent SEALS team who made it successful.

The disappearance of bin Laden after 2001 is evidence that his only logical choice for survival was to run and hide and be silent (most of the time), as well as the shear odds against finding one man in a vast remote region. Bin Laden's ilk have proven as well that they are zealous enough to kill themselves to preserve their beliefs and bury their loyalty concretely, so it does not surprise me that more sources knowledgeable to his location didn't present themselves willingly, leading to a possible early capture.

The people who present the 9-11 conspiracies are another group I am disgusted with and many of them have added the latest news like pieces in a puzzle to their vision of what's happened already. Normally I could dismiss or ignore them because I am usually convinced conspiracy theories are inventions of the mentally ill, but I believe a new segment of conspirators has become vocal in accordance with the trend in narcissism. Some people want to become personally involved in famous events or stories that they were never a part of originally because it's the only way any one will pay attention to them, or because they desire to be the first to reveal the truth of what really happened, to become the authors of a new page in history, effectively erasing the facts from the past. The access to the staggering footage of 9-11 is both evidence for and against their claims, since any one can take a look and share with the public what they think they see, and so on.

This is what angers me most, because if I can see it, and you can see it, and you still expect me to believe that a plane is a "missile" or that the government needs to demolish New York City landmarks, the Pentagon, and to murder thousands with airplanes in order to invade Iraq, I cry "CONSPIRACY AGAINST YOU!!!" and your motives to try and pull the wool over my eyes. A jaded and cynical bunch are those who readily believe what the narcissist presents as an alternative to facts, they are blind being led by the blind, but who could see if they wanted to!

Finally, the question of whether or not we should celebrate the death of bin Laden. Or, the death of evil. Not evil for all time, but for this time. Should we feel guilty if we are glad to see this man die, and would it lessen that feeling if we consider him evil? Some people are upset that anyone could feel happy at a man's death, but that isn't accurate in the scope of who we are talking about. If you told me that a rampaging maniac who was going door to door murdering strangers at point blanc was shot and killed one door down from mine, I would be shocked but very happy to be alive! Bin Laden's role was to provide momentum for an army of jihadists picked out from a life of religious and political chaos, offering the means for revenge, retribution, and a perceived access to heaven in return for their lives. So yeah, I'm happy he's dead!

Yes, I'm sad that such a "man" was born, who was not happy bringing peace and joy to the whole world but who instead was a leader of murderous religious zealots and disenfranchised countrymen in a world that is trying to develop into a responsible and cooperative modern society of many nations. I almost feel angry that some people don't approve of our celebration of the death of bin Laden, except now I'll remember what my father said. We should not be celebrating like this until all of our brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers and fellow countrymen are safe at home again.