I just finished a very unsettling conversation with my mother. I'm a little surprised at myself for feeling so agitated, and maybe I'm not thinking rationally, but I don't have any one else to talk to now so all I can do is write this blog. Sure, I could keep it private, but I think this is something relatable and I like feedback. The issue at hand is how the estate was passed along by my grandmother to my mother (also her brother, but he is not an issue) and what is planned for sharing some of it with me, my brother and my sister.
The main problem is that my grandma didn't have a will or anything. My mom took power of attorney and sorted out the estate, which was very stressful for her, and now the estate is divided between her and my uncle. Already my mother has spent a substantial portion on not one, but two newish cars (she sold one before my grandma was dying to put credit back onto a credit card and somehow replaced it with another car, so there was no immediate need for two cars) and tonight her plan was for me to get a car as well. Now, my need for a car is slightly more substantial (my car has 156K miles and a broken water pump that causes it to overheat if I use the air or drive it very far) but I would prefer to have a pricey repair done on it than have another car waiting for me in CA or sent to me in Georgia.
Before tonight, my mom said she would be "giving me some money" but never said how much. I have feelings about the timeliness of that conversation but it's too deep to discuss right now, but I'll say it was inappropriate and not what I had in mind when I heard my grandmother was dying. However, tonight, after explaining how she brought home two cars my mom said she'd like to buy me a car. This is different than giving me an amount of money, simply because that leaves options with where the money should go. All of this discussion begins about a car and I have no idea what amount she even has to give me or spend, just that we should pick something sometime and she'll spend it. We had to go round-about it until she gave me a number that she wouldn't spend over. I'm very uncomfortable talking to her about it, but I told her I don't want to spend any of it.
I've become a miser, and I like it. That's how my grandma was, but in a severe way that got out of hand for her. I hope I don't become like that, but the way I'm thinking tonight maybe I'm a little crazy. Tell me what you think...but I don't want any of that money unless it's under the condition that it's mine to spend or save on what I like (being within reason, I don't want a vacation in Paris or a thousand videogames and movies), I just want that peace of mind in a savings account.
So fixing my car would cost a fraction of a more expensive used car, and I would keep the most savings that way and still have a car. If a mechanic looks through it and says "She doesn't look good" then I will look into the issue of another car. I used to be just like my parents, you see they have a trend going back 27 years of spending through all their money when it becomes available, and in-between going bankrupt and being sadly foolish about making any money.
But the greater issue for me is all the focus placed on the estate of loved ones rather than mourning their passing in my family(my other grandparents had a lot of wealth that got divided up between 5 children, once they were gone the house they had lived in was sold and cleaned out, it had only monetary value it seemed). It's been less than a month and my mom has spent a good portion of the estate on two stupid cars she didn't need (some other things for the house but at least that's a real investment) and now she wants to decide what type of car I should have. Yes, if I went along with her I could choose a model under the amount she has in mind, but I'm more concerned about the future and what motivates us to spend money.
I'm also fighting against the urge to spend money quickly, putting myself at odds with my parents in all of this. They surely believe I'm being ungrateful, but I'm learning to be more considerate and independent than I've ever been. I don't want the kind of relationship with them they had with their parents, I don't want to resent them while they live and wait by for them to die so I can finally have their stuff. I want to earn my own stuff Goddamnit, what's wrong with this family of mine?
I can tell my mother is spending to keep herself happy, after all she just had a hell of a time dealing with her mother's things, and she hasn't had any income of her own for years now. I'm concerned however that this will be short lived, the money isn't being invested or saved up, and just taking what she has to offer me is taking her for granted. When I told her I wanted to make the decision with the money, to fix my car and save all the rest, she claimed to be confused and stated she won't pay to have my car fixed. When she reminded me "this is a freebie, there are no strings, you don't need to pay me back" I realized this isn't true, at least, she doesn't know it but there is a price to pay.
I've followed in her footsteps and have squandered certain sums in the past because at the time, there was a need for the money (just like my parents), and now it is all gone. Even my current car was purchased by my grandfather's estate money given to me by my parents, so why should they give me more money to get another more expensive car? If I had considered those "freebies" more than just a chance to spend money on a temporary need, for a temporary thing that loses value, what would my situation be like today? Wouldn't I be in school, in a better car, with a savings account, and some peace of mind?
I don't want any of this money because it will not motivate me to earn my own income, to strive for and work hard on a career, and because my parents aren't investors and they don't have a great retirement plan, just a monthly check from the government. I think they should keep it, but I also fear that they will lose it shortly. Cars lose value, break down, get stolen and wrecked, while people die.
All this time and my mother hasn't discussed what she is feeling, just what she has been doing. The only time she told me about how she felt was when she became physically ill from stress. I feel emotionally bankrupt in this family, I don't know how my sister feels, I don't know what my brother feels, I don't think I could bring it up comfortably or offer any consolation to them anyways, and no amount of money will change that.
In closing I have reflected on how my parents resented their own parents, even though they depended on them so much into mid-life, just because they could never be independent enough to make it by without asking for help. Only a few times my parents were rejected, but most of the time my grandparents were instrumental in helping us acquire yet another home, or yet another worthless car. All the while my parents squandered this generosity, but how could they know any better if this was the acceptable relationship between aged parents and grown children?
Even up to my grandmother's death my mother wasn't on speaking terms with her. I'm afraid of ending up this way. Even now I resent my mother for spending on those cars while refusing to let me fix up my own car for a fraction of the price. But what right do I have now, after my father paid for my car, it really isn't something I've earned. I don't even want to feel this way, it's poor judgment that they would spend so much without a second thought or a glance back at previous errors, but I would follow them further if I were to point a critical finger at them. sigh I have a lot of hard work to do now. But am I crazy?
The moral flexibility of a 20-something
13 years ago
5 comments:
Ok, here's a super long comment that I seriously typed in Word. Yeah, it's that long.
Inheritance and loss is always brutal. It's too bad that it gets like that.
On one hand, it seems like a nice treat to accept a free car, then use your own money to build your own savings account. But, then again, I don't know the details or what she would expect in return (eternal gratitude?).
It seems like a lot of people retire with nothing other than SSI and inheritance money.
I don't know that I see it wrong for seniors to help their adult children when there is a true need. My uncle, let's call him Mr. Mattress, had money problems at one point after a lay off. He didn't tell his parents about his money problems, and he moved into a cheap apartment that wasn't good for his young daughter. In that case, I don't see a loan (or early inheritance) as a bad thing.. so long as it's appreciated and not a repetitive crutch. Later, when my grandma died, he asked "how we gonna divy this up" shortly after her passing with his siblings. Not cool. In fact, saying that is disgusting.. even if he was just trying to be funny to lighten the mood.
My other uncle, let's call him Beach, once decided to start a business. He asked for a loan from his father. Decades later, this uncle is successful and doing great. In that case, the loan helped him tremendously to get him on his feet.
Sometimes it's easier to talk money than emotion. We were all grieving, as I'm sure you all are, and it's easier to say "well, at least we get money or this nice thing" than accept losing someone you cared about. Maybe that's part of your mom's issue? If you can find something to occupy your mind, like cleaning their house or your job, people don't have to deal with the pain of the loss and can take their mind off of it long enough to add time to cope and heal. Not that that's a good way to deal with loss... some people deal with grief right away, and others ignore it and focus on something else. Maybe your mom is using money to distract her from a loss she isn't ready to deal with?
I think there's a lot of people out there in the same boat these days. They have no money until they get their inheritance and SSI. It's like they expect the inheritance and assume they can live off that. Sometimes life situations or tragedies come up and make them broke or bankrupt. Others believe "money today, gone tomorrow"... and that they better spend it today since it will be gone tomorrow. Others struggle by so long that they reward themselves with useless crap the second they have the chance.
It's great that you want to earn your own money and save it, though. I don't know many people who focus on savings. I do think that help from others can be a good stepping stone, assuming there aren't too many strings attached. I know a guy who inherited about 5 million dollars when his dad died. His mother, girlfriends, friends, and so forth have tried to use it and get money out of him. At first, he blew through the money, dropping 90 grand on a car, for example. (Ok, it was a really cool car.. the electronics showed on the windshield! Yeah, I was drooling... and too nervous to sit it in for fear I would mess it up.) He blew through a lot of money before realizing he wanted to make a name for himself, instead of living off his dad's success. He has since started several very successful companies, invested, and really done great in business. He's developed a name for himself, all because he finally realized how to use what he was given to benefit his future.
How many pages long is this ridiculously long comment? :)
I'm sure you'll be happy to know that the comment character limit is 4067 characters, or 700 words.
Yeah, I barely made it under that limit.
700 words? Nice, I like it. Thank you for such a thoughtful response.
Saving money is also about a spending limit, so even if I made more income I would still need a limit to save.
My mom thinks I'm mad at her because I don't want a free gift, but she is confused because I don't want to spend that money and her objection to that frustrates me. I'll take it if I don't have to spend it, although she doesn't seem satisfied with that choice. It's not like my current car is about to explode!
Yeah, I'm not known for short comments. Ha.
I guess if she's never saved anything, maybe she doesn't get understand that mentality. I can't say that I have savings either.
Is there a chance she just wants to buy you something nice and see you enjoy it, money aside? When my grandma died, I got a little money. My old netbook was acting up (actually lightning fried it), so my dad said he'd split the cost of a netbook with me. I would have rather waited to look at different ones, or to see if I could repair the old one, but he wanted to fix a problem instantly and see me get to enjoy it. My joke with them now anything they mention something is broken is "buy a new one." Car out of gas? Buy a new one. Internet down? Buy a new house. Ha. Maybe your mom just wants to see you enjoy something? (Or maybe she's stubborn, I don't know the woman.)
I know cars usually go down in value.. but I got such a good deal that mine is still worth more than I paid. My dad's car, on the other hand, was over like $800 a month... the value of it was less than he paid for it. He finally paid off the note and is going to sell the car. He put a lot of miles on it and it aged, so the value went down.. but parts for that car were to expensive to keep throwing money at it. It is a nice, smooshy car though... I always like driving it around when I'm there. His new one is a cheap thing, but at least the payment isn't so much. I've seriously paid less than $800 in rent. Apparently that's not all that obscene for a car payment.. someone told me the average car payment is a few hundred a month and up.
Could you find a deal on a car and sell it for more, getting the money out? Or, just a car that doesn't drop value so fast? I hear Ferrari's hold their value.
Certain cars are known as collectables, or investment cars, meaning that over time they go up in value. Sort of like the stock market, there's no guarantee. I did spot a cool collector car locally, the Triumph Spitfire, a cool British roadster that could go up in value for only 4000. But I need a car I can afford to drive everyday.
My parents are so bad about cars, we've had SO MANY I can't remember them all, and they turn around so quick it's like they run a used car lot. I think I would like to give my current car to charity.
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