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My video making got put on hold this week. First I couldn't find WMM on Windows 7, so I had to download it. I haven't used it yet, I hope it will be simple to learn. Then I caught some cold on Monday, and as I type this I am feeling warm and relaxed as nighttime cold medicine takes hold. I missed work yesterday, on account of my fever, but today I didn't have a temperature so I worked any way. It may have been better for me to skip today too, although I can't afford to lose any more hours, because tonight my temperature rose up to 99.7.
I hate how colds catch you by surprise, when you are sleeping they give you funny dreams. Monday night I felt ok before bed, but then I was haunted all night by repetitive thoughts. One of them had me believe I was chopping away blocks in Minecraft, I could see the same 3 blocks behind my eyes. Those blocks went on forever, and I could feel my temperature rising. The other theme I couldn't stop thinking of was politician Ron Paul, and whether or not he would run for President next year. I think I was arguing with imaginary people about why we need to support Ron Paul. It's funny, since I wanted to discuss this in my video. I guess I'm more excited about Ron Paul than I knew!
I have to say, being drowsy feels nice. A small glass of wine helps too, just don't drink too much because it can be dehydrating. I'll be asleep soon, so I'll stop. I'm still eager to post my video, so I can't wait to feel better.
Allllllllllllright let me say it feels like I've been holding my breath and typing now feels like sweet release!
I've been avoiding posting videos and ignored my blog here for a good year plus change now, and you should know that I've done the same with piano-I haven't played or created anything I could share for just as long. Now I hate watching a video where the person hasn't posted in a while and then they must explain themselves to the subscribers, I take this as a bad sign that the person probably won't be posting any more after the apologies and excuses are offered. Not only that, but what if I'm a new viewer and wasn't aware that this person left for a while? Then it wouldn't matter to me when they last posted something, and it really isn't important if they do actually continue posting stuff regularly (like more than once a year!).
However, I do see it as an obstacle to not explain your absence when deciding to post something new. At least in part a video full of excuses offers the viewers an update into what the person was doing all that time. Presumably they weren't busy filming and editing their latest video! But I am full of guilt, simply because I've lost touch with and had little to no communication between so many of my favorite people, as if the lines went down. So I can't ignore that I feel this way, and since I want to try posting again, I have to clear this now so that my next video isn't filled with "what's new is that nothing's new" which is a lie! Everything's new, all the time.
Stuffs happened, much of it worth talking about, but what I'll be doing in this video isn't a summary of that. I need to talk about what I've been doing this week, so it's recent. Besides, restoring the lines between friends (if they are still around) will take its own time, and I believe it's necessary to restore some trust that I will keep on posting more often before some people will take notice. I'm motivated to do this because I miss people, I never cared about having a large number of subscribers. A general apology to the public isn't very personal and I like having an intimate audience I can open up to.
But if I were going to post a video full of excuses, they would be as follows:
Guilt. An overwhelming sense that I've abandoned and disappointed the people who used to support and inspire me, so showing my face now or any time in the future would result in their withdrawal and disapproval of me, a silly idea yes?
Work schedule. For example, I worked 5 to 9 PM tonight, and tomorrow I have to roll in there bright eyed and bushy tailed by 12 noon. Messes my sleep schedule all up, plus I spend the spare hours I have indulging in my favorite obsession, video games. Would any body care to know what I've been playing at odd hours of the day, for months on end now? I know, somebody would, as long as I was posting again, it might be OK.
IRL people. I began posting to You Tube while I was still living at home with my parents, and I wasn't social at all. So YT became my human contact until I moved out and met IRL people. Initially I couldn't wait to share every day with YT, but somehow this seemed overwhelming and not very interesting to me. At work IRL people would still be there whether I wanted to see them or not, and the contrast between the people I want to meet and see more of (that's you Internet) and the IRL folks who get to see me every day really makes me sad! But now many of those IRL people I used to work with have moved on, and I've realized it takes more effort to stay in touch with the ones you miss. In general, just taking for granted the idea that people will always be where you expect them. I better reach out now and say "Hey, are you still there? I'm here!"
Inspiration. I'm either unable to find anything interesting to say in a video, or not feeling up to the challenge of posting something that doesn't need to say much if anything at all. I never did feel like I was any good at filming and editing movies, and I don't have very much in the way of portable video.
WMM. I have a new computer now, but I remember how awful windows movie maker was. I haven't even looked into the latest version, but I'm about to find out! I think this is the best excuse I have, for sure.
So that's about that. I'll be using this blog as a support for my videos, to flesh out the ideas I want to express and so I know what I'm talking about first. On that point, I guess I have another excuse: talking to a camera without any idea what you should be saying. Yet I've always wanted to be real and candid, but I never felt totally comfortable talking at the webcam.
Just an observation.
Douchebags are popular, and not all popular people are douchebags (but given the number of douches, most are).
I know this because (pick one):
A) I work with a...
B) I live with a...
C) I am myself a...
D) I regularly use a...
douchebag.
Something strange happens here in Georgia. They have these things, called trees, that grow so they can shed yellow dust on everything, poisening some humans (and even dogs). It reminds me of the movie "The Happening", which was mediocre, but the concept is logical: trees will attack you with allergens until you just want to kill yourself!
But some things can be worse, like:
- Styrofoam peanuts, left overnight, can multiply and migrate quickly. They are keen on hiding in tight, inaccessable places. When encountered with free-roaming stryofoam peanuts, run away or capture and place them in an air-tight container.
- Milk, when dropped from a height of about 3 feet, can explode from inside a container leaving splash marks as far as the living room (about 12 feet).
- Shortly after purchasing my car, I got pulled over for not having my tags. That was OK, but then I learned if you have a crack in the windshield longer than a dollar bill, you will need about 220 dollar bills to replace it.
- When I moved to GA, I got stuck at the Atlanta airport for 10 hours. The Atlanta airport likes to play the game "musical gates", where previously assigned gates can be changed at the last minute before departure.
- While I've been accepted to University, I can't enroll until late May, and because I mistook the role of the word "accepted" as "enrolled" I'm stuck paying 500 dollars rent until June when I can live on campus (as an enrolled student) paying 425 for EVERYTHING. Plus, they have a free pool table.
- The store where I work claims to be better and smarter than all other competitors, but even when I apply my 10% discount their cost for groceries is still higher than their main competitor!
- I was seven minutes late on my first day of work, plus I clocked out late. Also, I lost most of my vocal capacity on that same day.
- I won't have enough money to travel and see my friend Hanne when she visits the USA for the very first time!
I guess I can't blame the trees for everything.
From 1 Corinthians, 13-14:
If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth but didn't love others, I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I knew all the mysteries of the future and knew everything about everything, but didn't love others, what good would I be? And if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it, but if I didn't love others, I would be of no value whatsoever.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
Love will last forever, but prophecy and speaking in tongues and special knowledge will all disappear. Now we know only a little, and even the gift of prophecy reveals little! But when the end comes, these special gifts will all disappear.
It's like this: when I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child does. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now.
There are three things that will endure-faith, hope, and love-and the greatest of these is love.
So it's the weekend of Valentine's Day, neatly etched in-between the Christmas season and my birthday on the 16th, and I've heard a lot of talk about love via the Internet and You Tube. A common issue people have with Valentine's Day, and any other holiday for that matter, is the exploitation of the appropriate theme of the day by commercial enterprise. It's a valid argument, if not a cynical one.
Let's not allow the commercial sector to diminish the values that we hold dear. If love is important to you, every day of the year is a potential holiday.
Therefore during these popular holidays I am urged to reflect on the past year, relevant to the theme of the day. So if I take the time to consider what is love, and how I have displayed love throughout the year, I am more likely to celebrate life and love on a daily basis and not just Valentine's Day. Cultural traditions and social pressures can interfere with our personal reverence by insisting that on these "special days" we should drop a dollar or two, but if you make a daily effort to consider what is most valuable to you, this sort of influence becomes irrelevant. That's why for me a holiday is primarily a date marked for reflection.
So I offer my reflection on what I have learned about love this past year, what is love? For me, there is a difference between being in love, and sharing love. The simple difference is that in the second case there are at least two parties active and involved in loving each other, while in the first case there is no other person to receive love. This means I can be in love with a girl, or a car, or any thing at all, but that person or that thing does not reciprocate. Therefore, this is not love at all, but attraction to a need or from a wanting, and confusing that with love means you cannot receive it in return. Attraction is fine, even pleasant, and desire is usually disappointing.
I think love is the product of dedication and trust, both of which require consistent selfless action, not attraction to a fantasy. And only when those two factors are met, and recognized equally, can two people share love. Another issue emerges, however, when love itself becomes the desire. The desire for love can make us forget that we need to develop dedication and trust, together, before we get to share love. This error is understandable because both dedication and trust require hard work, and often sacrifice and compromise together, for the sake of another person who may not initially appreciate or offer these in return.
For this reason love and risk usually meet together in the same sentence. Just remember that what's at stake is only your time and energy, and if you offer this first and it isn't welcomed, it is their loss and your heart will still be safe. This is why it can be so exciting when you find someone who responds to your work, it's actually validating.
Love is like a goad for two people, working together, each trusting, and each dedicated to whatever service is needed from each other. Love is the result of our selfless efforts, the energy that moves us when we feel like giving up. Keep in mind I am not only talking about couples and romance, but of family and community as well. So the better question now is: what is dedication, and what is trust? Make a holiday out of those values!
"If the light you think you have is truly darkness, how great that darkness must be!"
